| two months. |
[27 Apr 2007|11:45pm] |
i realize this is a good place to leave the radioactive traces of my sadness. the one person i rely on has become incredibly distant, on purpose i'd suppose. it has to do with him, anyhow. i'm so fucking sick of having feelings for steve. i don't understand why i can't just forget about everything. things seem so different. i sound like a twelve year old, or an autistic sixteen year old. i want a timeline: show me where things went wrong. i want colorful maps and charts, i want ratios and numbers. i want to cry so hard that it's all finally gone. i want to completely erase him from my memory. i wish he had never lied to me. i feel like he had been lying from square one. i knew i should have just stayed away, when he played the pity card. "oh, everyone has fucked me over. i don't trust anyone." go fuck yourself. i put every single ounce of myself into you. everything i am is in you somewhere, i'm pretty sure you'll just shit it out.
that statement kind of made me feel better because it reminded me that i said the same thing to leeann, and we laughed because we were talking about steve shitting my heart out. i hate being a hopeless romantic. i feel like vomitting. get yourself together! you're a senior in highschool! be a fucking man, rachel! be a mannnnnnnn!
fuck. fuck you, steve. fuck. you.
it's been two months since we've broken up. i have a feeling this is going to last another ten. i hope my eyes go dry by then
|
|
| the long spring |
[29 Oct 2006|09:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
arcade fire - haiti |
] |
jesus. why do i even bother to have these things?
at the same time it's extremely useful. i like looking back at how godawfully silly i was. even though i'm still pretty godawful and silly. and godawfully silly. and i like knowing that i met josh sep. 16th of last year.
i'm a senior in highschool. i'm confused and stationary. i love steven charles grodzki. i love my friends. i don't think there's much else to say :(
maybe i'll update more often.
p.s. my mood icon is a penguin....balloon? sabrina did that. i love her
|
|
| to elliott, from portland. |
[25 Jun 2006|01:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lovestruck yet discouraged. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Needle in the Hay - Eric Matthews |
] |
i've already left 3 bulletins on myspace and a couple of desperate entries on xanga, and now i just feel pathetic.
i'm lonely and cooped up. i'm fairly tired but set on connecting with pat, although i have my doubts about him signing back on.
i'm also listening to elliott smith covers, which are pretty amazing. i've been meaning to listen to this album for a while and it's really, really good so far. oh patrick, why don't you love me?
hopefully i'll get to see chuckie k at the borders like 6 blocks from CAPA. and maybe the downgrades. and maybe the cutbacks. i hope so. hategroundedhatehatehate.
drink up baby, look at the stars. i'll kiss you again, between the bars.
important message: everyone should listen to ARMS and MADELINE. two seperately amazing bands.
|
|
| update? |
[20 Feb 2006|11:34pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Zolof the Rock and Roll Destroyer - Don't Mope |
] |
let's see. it's been quite a long time. nothing special has been goin' down. i worked with my dad over the summer. i don't have a job now. i have a killer mouse. school is okay.
i have a crush on a freshman who is potentially gay. desperate? maybe.
my mom fell down the steps and fractured her wrist, so i'm supposed to do everything for her. no way. i still love her.
anyway, maybe i'll start updating this more. depending on how interesting things really are.
|
|
| Uhm, ska? |
[26 Sep 2005|06:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Kanye West - Golddigger. |
] |
SKA IS DEAD WAS SO FUN. I haven't been to a concert in so long. It. fucking. rocked.
And LeeAnn and Rachel left early, pussfacemcgees.
|
|
| YO! |
[16 Sep 2005|03:11am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
LFO - Every Other Time |
] |
I LOVE LFO. I ALWAYS HAVE. VIVA LA LFO.
WHY ARE THEY SO GOOD?!
Today I hung out with Jamie, Samh and Jamie's cuz Josh. Of course, it was awesome.
|
|
| I'm worried, I'm always in love. |
[13 Sep 2005|05:05pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Wilco - I'm always in love. |
] |
I have a crush on a really cute boy. And he so totally doesn't notice/show any interest in me. And that's cool. Crushes fucking BLOW.
|
|
| Big boy, doubledecker making my heart go quicker. |
[06 Sep 2005|09:04pm] |
First day of school was actually really, really good. I mean like, really really really good.
I can't undertand a word Ms. Garay says, I love my chemistry teachers' accent, and the Flynnster won't be in for a week, so I'll have plenty of time to finish my books. I love you Mrs. Flynn, feel better. We're all here for you.
|
|
| Shit. |
[05 Sep 2005|10:38pm] |
I'm not ready for school.
I'm not ready to grow up.
|
|
| You're the reoccuring kind. |
[31 Aug 2005|10:46pm] |
PhillyGangsta04: yo are my momma
PhillyGangsta04: i want to breeeed with you
PhillyGangsta04: honey i
PhillyGangsta04: love you
...Ok.
|
|
| Hi, Angela Mangela Ding Dong. |
[30 Aug 2005|01:39am] |
1. I hope that my daughter/son likes pineapple juice and V8.
2. I wish to be completely selfless someday. As of now I'm sucking at it, reaaal bad.
3. I'm so, so scared of being a junior.
4. I didn't know who Karl Rove was until I met some kid in H&M who's screenname had his name in it, so I looked it up.
5. Most of the time I don't like being intoxicated, but that's only because I don't know how to handle it.
6. I have trouble finding my own interests.
7. I still haven't read my summer reading books. From last year.
8. Even when Chuck Klosterman bashes the SIMS and I watch "Super Size Me", I still play the game and I still eat the food.
9. I eat ramen with chopsticks. I stole that from Lynne.
10. I am not a very complicated person. I open up easily and I am easily hurt.
11. Most of the time I feel like I need a boyfriend.
12. I don't get attached easily. I don't think.
13. My favorite band used to be Korn.
14. I don't really have a favorite band now.
15. I am still in love with 2 of my ex boyfriends, but I hate admitting it.
16. I didn't watch the VMA's either.
17. Me too. Meaning, I could use a good party.
18. I prefer water to anything else.
19. I suck at conversation.
20. The WORST thing someone could say to me, mainly signafigant others, is, "We have nothing to say anymore." FUCK THAT SHIT.
|
|
| fnvdsjnfvds? |
[08 Aug 2005|05:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Her Space Holiday - Perfect on Paper |
] |
I just realized that the past two entries I've made are exactly the same.
Haha. Idiot.
|
|
| vbhcsd!!! |
[08 Aug 2005|03:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Broken Social Scene - Cause = Time |
] |
It's raining and I'm listening to Cause = Time.
WTFIHATEMEMORIES.
I think my room is actually going to get clean this time. :D
|
|
| It's raining. I miss you. |
[18 Jul 2005|02:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
On account of the AC. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Steel Train - Better Love |
] |
I don't like missing people.
I hate reading old conversations and such.
|
|
| HelloGoodbye. |
[16 Jul 2005|08:51pm] |
What a cute band.
I might go to Leftover Crack.
I hate it when, you're attempting to flirt with/ hit on a guy, and you're failing.
Miserably.
I'm trying to hit on this kid Tyler that I met at Mustard Plug and drop hints that I think he's hot and that we should like, do it, but he's totally dissing me.
Whatevz. :(
ps. I want a boyfriend so desperately. It's sick.
|
|
| Shup. |
[09 Jul 2005|12:22am] |
I'm updating my journal. Yay.
ONLY because RM told me to. Lynne and Angela are watching Prozac Nation. I should be watching it. I had a nice day.
I went to the Zee Docta show with Sabeena, Danielle, Tiffany, Angela and Karissa. It was quite the night. Zee Docta rocks hardcore.
|
|
| R-E-S-P-E-C-T |
[15 Jun 2005|03:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Interpol - PDA |
] |
I guess it would only be respectful for me to update my livejournal just a little bit. For the 4 friends I have. Hi, four friends on livejournal. I'm pretty sure that's LeeAnn, Rachel, Sara, and Sabrina.
So hi. Oh and Shannon and...Angela. Yeah! Woo for me! With all my livejournal friends and whatnot.
School ends tomorrow! I have to keep in contact with everyone over the summer. In case you didn't know I got a new sn. Fieldsyfunkfresh.
I've been good.
The end! My xanga is more informative, I guess. www.xanga.com/pengy00.
Yeah, I'm outie. Kisses and all that dumb stuff.
|
|
| You seem so bruised, and it's beautiful. |
[29 Mar 2005|03:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 scared |
] |
No one reads this piece of shit, so I figured I'd get all depresso in here.
I'm fucking sad.
And I don't know why. I wish I had an explanation as to why I feel so shitty. In the back of my mind I feel like it has to do with Andy, but there's nothing wrong with Andy and there's nothing wrong with me and there's nothing wrong with anything around me except that right now I feel like the ceiling is about to cave in and I'm afraid I'd like that. My mom "feels like theres a hole in her heart" because she misses her father, and I feel bad that I haven't cried about him since the day of the funeral. I hate being a shitty writer. I want to start over with everything. I want to be young again.
Maybe I'm just scared of what's going on with him. Maybe I'm scared that I have the potential to love him or I really do and he really does, too. But "us" isn't a good idea. It isn't even an idea. There's nothing I can do, now. I'm happy that were, "us" but I'm not happy because maybe "us" shouldn't exist. Okay, I'm ending this.
The entry, that is.
Kbye.
|
|
| Mr. Lonely is in my Pants. |
[25 Mar 2005|05:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Mr. Lonely-Akon |
] |
I'm so fucking tired. I don't know why I update this. I feel like a loser. But Sabrina fixed it so I guess I should update it a little more often.
|
|
| SUBJECT. |
[14 Mar 2005|11:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 MRAGH.- |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I have "bandages" (Hot Hot Heat) stuck in my head. |
] |
MEAN OLD COOT.
|
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